Comprehension

I am inspired by Brene Brown, Malcom Gladwell, Emily P. Freeman, and C.S. Lewis. This is a random collection of writers that kind of mix and kind of don't because I actually don't read much. I am slow, and that makes me feel discouraged, so I stop and therefore rarely ever finish a book. But since discovering audiobooks and podcasts I can be an ear-reader, a listener, and I can now be an active learner. Thank you audio format media for making me feel like I have a place at the table. You do too by the way incase no one told you, you've got a seat next to me—I've been holding it for you. 

As I have gotten older, I realize—let me actually rephrase that. Since meeting my husband, he has helped me discover that I have a tough time both hearing and with comprehension. I was always asking questions during movies and one day he asked if I couldn't hear the dialogue. I wondered, because I had never actually wondered about that. I just thought I was a bit dumb, and somehow always missed something in the storyline set-up or character intros. So he turned on subtitles for me and bam. I could track significantly better and could actually follow a storyline question free, almost, because I still have this challenge with comprehension. It's not that I don't comprehend, I am slow to comprehend. Emily P. Freeman mentioned something in one of her podcast episodes about fast and slow processors, and I think this is similar to that. Even when folks tell me a story I feel the need to clarify events and characters, either out loud or in my head depending upon how comfortable I am with you. I do this with my husband—he will say something, and then I will ask what he said, claiming I didn't hear him, but he will pause, and then I will kind of remember what he said, and then think about it for a minute and then I will be back on track. Whew. It can take me a minute, but I get there. 

And this, finally seeing this as not just a some random occurrence but maybe how I am makes me wonder how long I have been pretending to understand or track when I have really needed a pause and subtitles. Does this make sense, this metaphor? I have been going along pretending in my life for quite sometime and it has literally been exhausting. Not just for me, but for those around me. I don't know if my mind is so cluttered that I can't find words people are saying as they enter my ears—if I have been busy pretending that seems plausible—or maybe it's some mild attention deficiency, or maybe I am just a slow comprehender and have a hard time hearing. 

And I had a point to sharing this all with you, but I have somehow forgotten it as I got up to console a crying babe. I have a hint of a thought that maybe I was trying to explain what I intend this to become, but the subtitle anecdote isn't making sense to me... let me pause.

Okay, we're pretty much back on track again. The subtitle thing was a bit of a tangent that sparked another thing in my mind that I would like to share with you about being an imposter and pretending, and the dangers of doing so rather than being your authentic self. Note to self, I will write of this next.

What I was intending to share was about my favorite authors first as examples of inspiring writing and the power of words and how thankful I am that these individuals thought that what they had to say was important enough to share, and by them sharing, they impacted my little life. I also wanted to share about a few other things I think of, let me share my dream list with you: 

I would like to:

• Have an active blog—hello, here we are. I don't have any readers, but that is not my goal, my goal is to write. I would like to have readers at some point, but right now, I just want to do something life-giving consistently and get better at it—just like a sketchbook. And, here we are. I do this! Fridays. Fridays I am going to preserve as my dedicated day to write for at least 2 hours.

• Actively paint. First, a series titled Same Sky that images different views of the sky at the same date and time around the world, sky as God's abstract art, a form of communication. Second, a series with an unknown title—maybe Canvas of White, that images what an eating disorder/perfectionist lifestyle, experience is—it is often glamorized and I want to reveal the dark underbelly and break the perception that it is healthy/good/successful. Saturdays/Sundays. Saturdays/Sundays I am going to preserve as my dedicated day to paint for at least 2 hours.

• Get my Masters degree in Christianity and the Arts from King's College London. Ughhh. I want this so badly. Covid has made it possible-ish to pursue this virtually, but I have no idea how to pay for it or how I could rationally be a student with the million hour time difference. "I am feeding a baby at 3am so maybe I could also log on and take masters classes in London," she thinks to herself...

• Teach about Christianity and the Arts—why they matter, where they went, how to bring 'em back. Ughhh. Also, how? Can I just, "start doing this"? You know, without credentials? I have a sneaky suspicion that I can, and I this leads me to my next thing. WAIT. I am doing this. I have done this, and I am about to do this more. Maybe I do this?! >>> Be a facilitator with Fuller Theological Seminary Brehm Residency, where I will teach about Christianity and the Arts—why they matter, where they went, how to bring 'em back.

• Write a book(s). I would like to write a few books, and some of the content for them I will be discussing here, on my blog. I am my Own Wilderness: about my life thus far and how I see my life reflecting individuals and events within the Bible and how I have found more relevancy to both Biblical texts and my tangled journey to the heart of God. Inviting the Girl with the Turquoise Shoes: about the journey to reconnect and invite myself home as I learned to accept the love of God, and an untitled book—maybe An Unorthodox Beauty?: about Christianity and the Arts and how the presence of God's definitions of Beauty discussed and exemplified in the church through the arts is critical to combat the actual unorthodox societal definitions of beauty, often communicated through the arts in visual format. I almost forgot about my children's book! I have a few ideas for children's books I would like to pursue. The first is a series titled Exploring the Story of Art: about Theo and Peanut, and sometimes Millie, who happened upon a way to travel in time through a mysterious old art history book their mom leaves open on the coffee table. Their mom is studying art history, and they travel through the book when their mom is out running errands or taking care of the baby. *This is a chapter book, and has pictures sketched throughout much like the original Winnie-the-Pooh, and maybe a similar silly writing style too, crossed with Magic Tree House. Another series titled Good Morning Sky: This would take place in different mornings around the world! It is inspired by my lack of love for Goodnight Moon—the images are creepy and the things you say goodnight to are kind of odd! And more than that, it is inspired by my mornings with Shepherd. When he was first born, in Port Angeles we would walk outside and say good morning to the things we saw together. I miss our neighborhood and the beauty now that we're in California, but there are new beautiful things to say good morning to here. I think it would be a neat way to learn about the mornings in other places and to enjoy your own neighborhood in new ways. And another series titled Darling do you know?: A series, each one about something different—being brave, being beautiful, being strong, and being kind. It will weave in scripture and imagery to invite children to understand that they can be these things in and because of God. Maybe all the things God asks us to be, "Be strong, and courageous" etc.

So many goals, it is good for me to have and to see them in one place—one at a time we will go forth.

Writing done for the day, I can't wait to come back.