Hello, it's me—again. Or maybe for the first time.

Oh my goodness.

If I showed you the actual amount of times I have branded and re-branded my business, blog, website, services, entire personhood, et-cetera. you would lose your mind. You would think how did this lady even consider offering branding services or advice to anyone when she is having an over-a-decade-long-identity crisis? 

And, my friend, you would be so correct. 

I have been extremely unsuccessful in terms of business for a number of years, over-a-decade to be exact. I have literally limped along. My "design business" finally got shut down by the government last year because I have had so many years of inactivity and next to no business to report on. 

So I didn't quit, I was shut down, which I think is worse in so many ways because once again, I was passive and allowed my life to be led by currents; mind you, not in the Pocohontas color-of-the-wind kind of way, but in the, I am so indecisive and daunted by my own goals I don't even know what they are. 

Hold up—do I have one, a goal to speak of? Did I have one? It's been over a decade, so hopefully—ugh still assessing this.

Here is where you find me, on the tail end of some good old fashioned reflection. This time, it's actually not my Birthday, so that seems good, right? The reflection is not circumstantial, or annual, it has risen up, like that Phoenix everyone likes to reference.

Also, I am a Mom. I'm somebody's Mama—did I mention that? And I have quit my job at the Port Angeles Fine Arts Center, over a year ago, so I'm a bit title-less at the moment and that is disorienting because don't we all like titles? They are constricting and irritating but weirdly comforting. And right now, I don't have a distinct title—I have lots of them. Which, is fun, right? I'm telling myself this, even though I long for a distinct title and feel insecure because my titles are kind of self-appointed and I am so insecure—ugh. I am juggling a few part timey things, but find myself alone for long (and beautiful) stretches of nap times these days. I am trying to capitalize on these built-in time blocks and have decided (finally) to actively pursue creativity so I don't hate myself when I'm 57 years old and look back on the additional time I frittered away when I was a new mom. Whew—make sense? 

The part timey things I am doing are: real estate, rental management, facilitating an artist residency program with Fuller Theological Seminary, cooking, and cleaning. My full time job is raising a human. I am still finding my rhythm on a daily basis—not sure if I will find one that sticks longer than three hours, but a girl can dream. Maybe that's the goal these days?

The creative things I am pursuing are: printmaking, painting, in both impressionist and modern styles, and writing—a children's book, a novel, and this little journal here where I track my thoughts, practice communicating, and invite you along for whatever you might benefit from. I discovered there's a whole lot I have to say, probably from years not saying anything and being basically beige, so my main creative art forms are whatever I can bust out the quickest—painting and journaling. 

Side note here: I have a million titles for my book... that novel I reference writing. Here's a few: Basically Beige, (just wrote that above and thought that seemed like a good title) False Positive, I am My Own Wilderness (but maybe that is the thesis/ main point?) Far Away From Close, Confronting Beauty. Basically, I will share my experience in, through, and out of an eating disorder, how I discovered it is actually an anxiety/human-being-disorder that is shared amongst all of us in different forms. It will address beauty in our society, both historically and in the current era, creativity and being a person, and God. I say, God rather than faith or something more tame because my experience was not tame and I can't be timid about anything anymore, I've spent too much time as it is, I've gotta get a move on and can't be timid any more and I am compelled to invite others to do the same. 

Buh. There is so much I want to say—I took a large tangent, are you still with me? I'm getting back on my original course here with this entry.

Branding. I've had a lot of various ones for myself and created under the business name Kardia Visual for a while, but I realize I don't even know what that is—because it's me, but it's also this other entity, and I am struggling just being me so how can I even try to be something else? I can't help people identify their goals if I don't even know mine. No wonder this all has been so fruitless all these years. 

So, I'm coming back to just me, for the first time. 

Lauren is a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. 

She is an artist, a designer, a writer, an educator. 

She battled through an eating disorder, fought for her life, and survived, by the actual Grace of God. 

She is obsessed with art and art history and ancient civilizations and confronting beauty and God and inviting others into the conversation. 

She believes God to be exactly who He says He is and is compelled to share about the redemptive strength of His Love with the world through written word and the visual arts.

Hello, it's me—again. Or maybe for the first time.