The lens through which we see

I see my life, myself, different now. I actually accept my lived years. I accept grace on them, on me. They are my story.

Previously, I had seen my life like a series of unfortunate events—a decade of them.

But a change has happened, an actual shift in my perspective took hold this week. 

I have had grace thoughts lingering in my mind when I would have the occasional, rather, frequent, late-afternoon-reflection on my life. But this week, when an invitation to connect with a friend on LinkedIn popped up in my inbox I begrudgingly navigated over to the horrid professional social media page. 

I absolutely disdain LinkedIn after getting scammed through a job application and interview process when I was desperately trying to find work. But, I clearly don't disdain it enough to cancel my profile, because a small part of me knows this is how society works these days and I continue to make a meager attempt at staying relevant, so my profile remains.

When I got onto my page, I instantly accepted the invite to connect, trying to not be weird about my professional status insecurities, and scanned through my information. 

It was completely irrelevant. Enter internal dialogue.

"I do not work at the Port Angeles Fine Arts Center, I am not a Community Outreach Coordinator. I have to update this. Not because I want to but because the contact knows I am not there now, she was my boss. Great. Now what do I put as my profile title? Real Estate Agent. Wait. I still hope to freelance. I am a Freelance Designer. Can I put two roles. Yes, let's. Freelance Designer and Real Estate Agent. Real Estate Agent and Freelance Designer. Graphic Designer? Graphic Designer and Real Estate Agent. Uh. That looks weird and really random. Why am I putting either of these? Can I put Professional Mom? Buh. Who am I. What do I even want from this space? Do I want anything? Not really, I'll probably just get scammed again. Or my college mates will see this and think I failed. The ones working at Starbucks, and Microsoft, and Facebook, and REI. They are so successful. I am not. I am happy though, content. What were those grace thoughts again? Oh yeah yeah—I chose recovery, did it, and now I am a complete person who can interact kind of okay with others and doesn't hate herself. SUCCESS. I wish I could put that on my resume—geesh.

Hold up. I think I remember seeing something like an option for a career break entry on the resume part LinkedIn hosted... where was that... found it. Okay, hmm. Can I actually put that on there? Can I actually explain what the heck happened in my life that affected my career because I am a human person who is multi-faceted and layered?

Yes.

Okay, let's do this. Oh great, look at the things you have to put—'Where were you?' Buh. The example they use is United Kingdom, London. Yeah, would have liked to be there rather than living like Quasimodo in the bell tower of my hometown trying to deal with my personal hunchback and integrate into society once I acknowledged how much of a monster I actually was. 

Okay, it's fine. London would have been great. But, I needed to come back home and deal on the frontlines of it all. Okay, moving on. What's next..."

After a few iterations of a narrative summary of the years in recovery, here is where I landed.

"I chose to take a pause from the creative industry and prioritize my recovery from an eating disorder. The process of my recovery initially started in 2012 when I left my corporate position with Starbucks as a Visual Communication Designer in Seattle and accepted a position in Youth Ministry on Maui. At that time, my counselor had recommended that I attend an in-patient recovery center to address my battle with anorexia and bulimia, but I was compelled to understand the purpose of living and pursue my understanding of God. My route might have taken longer, but thankfully, it was still effective. Throughout the course of these five years I maintained employment in ministry and the service and banking industries, pursued a certificate in Addiction Recovery and Wellness at Peninsula College, healed my interpersonal relationships, and rebuilt my identity and personhood from the ground up. I am overjoyed to share that I have fully recovered from both anorexia and bulimia and continue to prioritize my well-being today. Through this process, I have gained mental and physical fortitude while becoming a more whole-hearted person; and this—my continual commitment to recovery—is my greatest achievement to date."

This is not failure, this is actually wholeness. This is finally a resume that I am proud of. And, I don't disdain LinkedIn like I used to. I won't depend on it still for self evaluation or online interviews mind you, but I am grateful for the invitation to share a true narrative about my actual life and come to terms with myself, with my years, with the lived story of my life.